Are You Rude or Just Blind?

No one thinks to ask this question upon first meeting someone. It’s really a simply formula. During the course of introductions, one party holds out their hand and the second party places their hand inside for the infamous handshake. What happens when party number two misses their queue? Party one immediately jumps to “rude.” They think to themselves, “here I am taking the time to be polite and introduce myself and for what…to be snubbed by someone I don’t even know.”
There is nothing in return, not even the slightest acknowledgement. Instead, there is an awkward stare and silence filling the air among two people who have never met before. There won’t be a second encounter to clear up the misunderstanding. “I’m blind you bastard, not rude.”

Grateful & Fearful At the Same Time

Grateful: I tell myself that I am not dying of Stage 4 breast cancer. We all have our stories and our plights in life. They come in different sizes and weights and yield different outcomes. Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP) just happens to be my plight and the end result if the clinical scientists do not find a cure is COMPLETE DARKNESS.

Fear: The dictionary defines fear as “to be afraid or apprehensive.” We all experience fear at some point in our lives, whether it is fear of losing a loved one who is sick, the sight of a snake, or a child’s need to sleep with the hallway light on. However, my first real memory of fear when it was up close and personal and staring me straight in the face was at age 18. It was the summer I graduated high school and the beginning of the next chapter of my life. Little did I know this “fear” would change my life forever.

Fear entered my life via a simple sentence comprised of eleven-words, “You are night blind and can no longer drive at night.” The room was silent and it was difficult to comprehend exactly what the doctor meant by these words. Reality struck and fear was now apart of my world. Instilled in my brain where it never inhabited before.

Prior to these words, I was living my life just like any other 18-year-old around the world – carefree and tackling life with a vengeance. Fear was not part of the equation. It is hard to explain, but I did not realize there was something wrong with my eyes. I assumed everyone saw this way. Bad assumption, I know.

If I was so wrong about my eyes, what else could I have been so wrong about. See…the fear was taking effect and having a party turning a confident young woman into someone she could barely recognize.

The fear’s first conquest paralyzed me by taking away my ability to drive at night. What would be next?

Denial to Acceptance

When you first meet me, you’d never know I was legally blind. If you met me 10 to 20 years ago, I would never have shared my secret. I wanted to blend; I didn’t want handouts; I didn’t want to be treated differently; I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me. In essence, you could call it denial.

I had enough sight to function and pull the wool over people’s eyes. However, getting by gets old and lonely, not to mention sucks the life out of you. The amount of energy it took for me to create a façade that I saw the world through the same lenses as a healthy set of eyes was exhausting. I realized it was wasted energy and questioned what was I trying to prove. I was reckless and endangering myself and recognized it was time to ask for help.

Although I have titled this entry “Denial to Acceptance,” I believe asking for help is my first step to a long and bumpy road of acceptance. This long road will also acquaint me and bring me face to face with anger, bitterness, sadness, loyalty, love, happiness and loss.