Why Write?

I keep asking myself, “why am I writing?” “Why am I writing my story?” “What am I trying to achieve?” The answers to these questions change on any given day. So here’s my top 10 list.

1. It is cathartic.

2. It is easier to put my thoughts on paper than articulate them verbally.

3. If my story helps someone else suffering from RP even just for one second, then I have achieved success.

4. It helps fill an indescribable void.

5. It’s my silent confidant that does not judge and look at me with sad eyes.

6. It helps me keep things in perspective.

7. It gives me a venue to be mad and sad when I don’t feel like talking to anyone.

8. I enjoy writing and my eyes give me something to say…hence write about.

9. It’s an opportunity for my family and friends to virtually experience what it’s like to be walking on the edge of darkness.

10. Why not…

Reactions

Every time I share my story with a new friend or stranger it gets easier and easier. The reactions vary from surprise to silence to admiration to sadness. I recently met someone who was in a terrible bicycle accident and suffering from memory loss. We compared war stories and sang the praises of our spouses and the “load” they have undertaken as our partners.

Ron is always there for me. He listens and always manages to smooth a path for me to hop back on when I tend to lose my way. It is so scary to digest the unknown and what the future holds for us. However, there are known constants that remain intact as a foundation for us to fight, which is our family, friends and our tremendous love for one another. Without this support, it would be almost impossible to endure alone.

The Meltdown

It builds over time. You sense its presence as a small under current that boils up and then simmers down. You tell yourself again and again, “its under control; there is nothing to worry about.” However, when you least expect it – BAMM! This overwhelming and uncontrollable emotion takes control and begins to seep through your pores. It usually manifests itself via tears, sorrow, sadness and anger. I always come out the other side knowing it is only a matter of time before the next melt down.

There is always a catalyst behind the meltdowns. In this particular instance, it was an innocent “Coin Star” machine. I was taking money out of an ATM machine at the grocery store when my receipt fell on the ground. Like most environmentally conscience individuals, I bent down to pick it up. Well, it was this gesture that enabled me to collide into the machine that was perfectly in my blind spot. The jolt almost knocked me off my feet and I proceeded to have a nice headache for four days. As I look back, I probably had a concussion. It was only two days later after a dinner downtown with friends that I decided to accept a dance from a large metal pole on the side of the road. It was sad and humiliating all at the same time, but instead I shake it off and chant to myself, “I’m tough and I can handle this.”